If Only I could Trust You!
If only I could explain to you how much I am afraid of betrayal. Yes, just like a little child who is afraid of the dark so is my feeling towards trust. Trust is not a feeling for me; it is more of a scare. Every relation that defined me, every relation that created me had ended up betraying me and so trusting anybody would be the penultimate harm that I could to myself at this point of time; the ultimate one being erasing my existence off this world. Every part of me has been betrayed. The daughter, the friend, the wife, every bit of me has faced the brutal act of betrayal.
The daughter in me was betrayed when my parents left me for better avenues for themselves. All those moments I spent living like an orphan in spite of the fact that I had a mother and a father who parted ways only to earn fame and success and to prove the strength that each of them possessed. They murdered my childhood which left me scarred for life. I grew up to be the most confused girl in the circuit who did not really have an opinion on anything. It is such an embarrassment to face an army of aunts and uncles who were more of bureaucrats than relations and who thought of me to be an idiot. I grew just plainly following their instructions and there I was; muddle headed, perplexed and maimed.
Being used for a reason is the closing act of amorality. Her friendship had a purpose and it was too late to realize that. That very day, the friend in me was betrayed. Every passing act of betrayal reduced the value of trust in me. I decided to keep friendship and all such relations at bay which required of me to invest in trust. I have heard people say things like “move on”, “grow up”, “everybody is not like that”; all of them start sounding like life coaches who have their lives on track when actually their own set of issues are hard to resolve but for whom it is mandatory to have an opinion on somebody’s hardship. All of them speak of facts that are fiction to the victim. Only the prey of life’s injustice can comprehend the situation.
After a span of nine years, the wife was betrayed. My life had reached a turning point when I felt my curse had transformed itself to a boon. I met him and somehow our life together looked splendid and so did it prove to be till finally that revelation come to light. I saw my husband walk into the cinema hall with another woman minutes after he told me of some important meeting that he was supposed to attend on behalf of his boss, cancelling our dinner date that evening. I lost control of myself at this blow. The relation that helped me grow, leaving behind my confusion and reticence had destroyed my present and so had it destroyed the fragile bits of trust I had in me. I decided to walk out of this yet another exemplar of betrayal. I very well knew that this was my last chance to stop this vicious cycle of infidelity and so I decided to close the doors of my heart for anybody. I forced myself to squeeze the last bit of love, compassion, sympathy out of psyche. The demure me was transformed into a callous being.
Today, you proposed to me a marriage that I am sure you would do justice to but I am sure of the incapability in me to do so. The three instances of betrayal had left my heart mutilated beyond repair. The heart of a ten year old, the twenty five year old and the heart of this thirty six year old woman is injured and the wounds of which is fresh and I still feel the pain. My life has to move on with the reality that a few pages off the book of my life have been painted with colours of despair. I hope you understand me and I am sure you will. You were there for me when the world was against me. Nobody but you stood by me when all of the wrong things happened to me. You made me feel good in the time of distress. You were there for me. Even then, I cannot accept you the way you want me to. Please forgive me for this but, if only I could trust you!
Copyrights 2014 Elsa Thomas